Colors of Darkness – Excursion 1.

21 Jan 2011 3 Comments

by surabhi007 in Uncategorized

Excursion #1  : Street joining my hostel and college.

Pre-Script : Click it to understand the following ‘feel-o-suffer’ stuff…

http://surabhi007.wordpress.com/2011/01/21/lyrics-of-life-on-roadside/

There is this street joining my  institute (where I m bounded  to spend five long years of my life – the ones which are the among the most crucial and best years of age) and my house over here away from home – the sophisticated girls hostel of IIT Delhi – ‘Kailash’.  Life here in Delhi is something which   has been the most adventurous experience in my lifetime till date. Walking on this street is the inevitable part of my schedule – be it a stroll in the morning breeze of dilli or be it a tiring   walk after night outs in institute in late night this silent street has been very clamant for me  – from cacophony to melodious cheers in my mind the voice of my steps on this street never left muted.   It was today while walking back to Kailash I realised how deeply I stay in my mind while crossing this street – Its been ages since I have noticed any salient feature of it – All I remember is my thoughts – thoughts about my life in college, about new lessons from   numerous success and failures, about home and every minute thing about them  gives you the electric sensations whenever you think about the distance between their care and your existence in this self fish vicinity. The distance at times make me realise about the strength of surviving over here without sharing any grave thing with the ones who  grew you up. They use to understand me very well when I use to cry as an infant but after handling me for almost 20 years it has become very tough for them to understand my feelings and state of mind when I talk to them on phone.   This mildly lighted street has hell lot of  darkness in my mind. The walk lasts for not more than 5 mins when walked on my normal pace -2 mins while running for classes – 10 to 15 mins when tired  mentally or physically . This few minutes summarizes my day and uncovers the hidden I from Myself.

They say I talk alot – I seek for silence  and my faithful  playlist while walking and introspecting/retrospecting.

They say I am an emotional fool – I believe respecting emotions are way different from blindly getting carried away with them. If you are insensitive that doesn’t mean that I have too many emotions to show.

They say your tears are fake or just some bloody show off – I say art of expression is gifted to even animals – humans excel in it too like many other things – I m proud to be myself. I don’t have to prove my genuineness and make it fake.

They say you can’t do it – I stay silent for my inner voice talks to me aloud.

They say you are screwing your life with all this stuff-  I reply  ‘I know. You are right. I am trying hard to come on track.’

They say  ‘We love you the way you are’ – I say ‘alas! I wish I could feel  that all the time.’

People love the cheerfulness and genuine smile on your face . The motivation of living so lively   makes you feel grateful for creator whenever your spread smile on the faces around you.  But comes a reason to turn your sunrise into a never ending night.

When each and every breathe becomes unbearable – when you wish to break free – free from all the obligations – free from all relations  – free from all emotions and then you do what is most unexpected from your own self.  When you wish to cry aloud , loud enough to tear you apart -  When you all of sudden realise the uselessness of all your actions and thoughts –when your mind reminds your crying heart about  the  hopeful eyes far away from this corner of your world  – the promises which were made long back and the affect of newer ones on many such pending ones- when your impulsive  madness challenge your sanity – when every emotion and feeling of your is considered as nothing but bullshit.  When you see yourself getting far away from your childhood dreams and ambitions which you made as a passionate teenager – when everything turns bleak and unclear – when you mock at your uncontrollable flow of illogical thoughts .

When after spending a  whole day in bed in a closed   room away from a cheerful and colourful crowd and doing nothing but thinking and feeling the pain in your body.  When you allow someone else to  call you an emotional fool but you laugh at him/her in your mind as  you trust yourself and your ideologies or you see him/her  with pity eyes wishing for him to understand you without asking any questions  - without asking anything.  Then you wish to stay aloof – your dead soul makes your lively body and mind to sleep in search of some peace in chaos. You urge very badly to yourself to get dissolved in books, music and thoughts.

When you run away even from the thought of being alone and find a space in public just to make things  worse. As crying is not always when you shed tears – the irony is that its worst form is when you Smile  when broken within.  When every silly song in your playlist becomes magical enough to shake you from within and makes you so much linked to the singer and his feelings. When love in your heart doesn’t get replaced by hatred but vacuum, you wish to be like everyone who is in your vicinity.

After hurting and punishing your own self you find yourself in a bleak state of mind .  When you wish to fill your  life with nothing but emptiness.  After carrying a heavy mind and broken heart you don’t when you feel that this turmoil is of no good but energy and time waste but find yourself  helpless : When your tears washes all the reasons and you forget everything but good memories turning into bad – you feel like running away – you challenge your strength and flee. The show off of your strength becomes your weakness.

“Sign karke jaaeye” A strict female voice fell in my ears.  I realised I have already entered the hostel  and the guard is asking me to sign in.

Enough for today’s walk .Tired enough to fall asleep the moment I fall down  on my bed –without thinking .

P.S : 1) Song of the day : Bubbly face – Colbie .

2) A negative write up to start with – I wrote it days back and then I got too busy with some or the other things . Was deleting some stuff from my mind and laptop today and read it. Didn’t share it earlier as it was very personal but now after reading it I liked it personally and found it worth sharing .  ;)

3) Oh yea! I think so much in just 10 mins walk .  :P If you didn’t like this write up or didn’t understand it I’d like to congratulate you and say ‘Lucky soul you are. I’d pray that you never face anything in life which may make you understand this.’  :)

4) Sympathy of any kind is not welcomed. Feedback on writing will be greeted whole heartedly.

Good Night – waiting for my morning to come.

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