Amid chaos, the choice we make
Taking past along is present’s mistake.

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here’s what she said to me…..

My parents say that when  I was a kid I wanted to be everything that  I observed in my vicinity and that pleased my heart (just like every other child). All that I remember from my memory are  few catchy professions that were in the hit list of my dreams.  I wanted to be a truck driver back there in 1^st standard, I use to love the trucks and tractors as they were big and spacious. Then as I grew up ‘A for Aeroplane’ looked more catchy than any other road vehicle  and thus I wanted to be  a pilot. We kids use to run out of our home or classrooms to see whenever we heard a plane or a helicopter roaring in the wide sky. Soon, a little more  understanding of this world made me  realized it is not the pilot but the airhostess that makes everyone travel in the plane. And soon my daydreams shifted from being a pilot to airhostess.  But then I was from a very little town where airhostesses were not considered as respectable as any other normal job. My convent teacher used to get more respect than the brave and beautiful airhostess that used to come in promotional advertisements of various airlines.  And so I wanted to be a teacher. This was the profession for which I really dreamt a lot, not just dreamt but I practiced  too with my instant ‘be-a-teacher’ kit, I used to wear high heels of my elder sis, wrap her long colourful duppattas around my waist and  other accessories like wooden scale, chalks, a cloth as a duster and a door on which I could scribble, I used to spend hours teaching virtual students in an empty living room or my dad.  The irony is that I loved this profession even when I didn’t love the very thought of going to school .  From standard L.K.G to 2^nd I have bunked as much school as I can, I use to run away from the school gate and wander on streets and get back to home when a whole bunch of vehicles (especially autos) on the road headed in the direction of my school.  My dad used to be my favorite and most tortured student. He used to allow me to practice all kinds of evil practises that I saw my teachers doing in the school, like hitting hard on his hand with wooden scale, make him read whatever I wrote on the board (used to be the door of mom-dad’s bedroom) not once but again and again and cunningly find where he is wrong etc .   It was in 6^th standard when I realized my habit of not sharing the thoughts with anyone when it comes about the dark or gloomy part of my brain . I started writing diary. I have 6 diaries of my childhood and believe me, my reasons of sadness in those days serve as a potential source of humour to anyone, at anytime :/  Since then I keep on scribbling depending on the mood and the inspiration.

As years passed, I grew up and got to know that there exist better jobs than playing in playground or teasing my siblings.  I saw this famous movie ‘Titanic’, had no clue by then why people made a hype about beautiful Kate Winslet and her famous bold scene ‘cause I watched it with my family on Star Gold and thus all the unwanted scenes were deleted from it. :/ Anyway, the post effects of Titanic were two more passions in my life. I wanted to join Navy but then this thought didn’t last for long as I   I also wanted to become a painter, someone who could bring every thought of his mind on canvas with beautiful colors.  Thanks to this new likeness that I actively participated in  various drawing competitions that used to happen in my town every other weekend for social causes or by public welfare organisations. I have memories printed in newspapers and mind of the same . ^_^

Time rolled on, my elder brother and mischief buddy got into 11^th and me in 9^th. That day, his class teacher and my dad had serious discussion in parent teacher discussion, they were discussing how our society is governed by prejudices about class of professions and thus majority  end up choosing the same direction viz Engineers, Lawyers and Doctors. He had chosen maths out of three life deciding options. And all of sudden I felt really that a very tough and important decision is going to meet me soon. Then I and my dad mutually decided that I wish to become a Doctor (No pun intended). Yes, I so whole heartedly wanted to be a doctor, someone who treats everyone and has a power to cure which is Godly, someone who can read the heartbeats  and someone who gets a lot of presents and accessories  from the various companies every day.

Life became a lot simple and focused then, till I passed my high school. But then my brother didn’t let me take Biology and asked me to take maths and sooner than it seemed, life turned around. The girl who use to curse cubic equations and its interruption in my peace of mind, finally set the same as her major arena of interest.  Soon, I landed in the best engineering college of the country, that is a neighbour to the best medical college too. :/

Over here , after crossing so many laps of various phases and faces of life when I saw IIT as my ending point and desired destination,  I found myself again on the starting point . There is hardly any difference in my thinking and clarity of  aims now when compared to my school time.  I would still love to become a truck driver , a painter, a pilot or a teacher but then now approach has changed . It was a lot more simpler to believe that  dreams can be brought to reality, which is not the present case. People call it wisdom and maturity, I call it vagueness and confusion.

I study books which teach me engineering but I love management and operations more than it . I love music more than management but then I love writing more than music. At times, I feel the existence of the ‘power of youth’ in me and I get inclined for bringing a change in the system and thus civil services  is what I look for but then I think about creativity and creations, and thus the loop is set back to engineering .

May be I am way behind the ones who are of my age, when I say that for me the question asked me ‘Surf Excel’ advertisement is still unanswered, i.e mujhe ban na hai _________?, but then that is the reality.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Childhood dreams were the most passionate ones as there were no worries and doubts about achieving them when thought, there existed just two things – faith and imagination, it was as simple as ‘Dream it, achieve it’. Hoping that self exploration will come to an end soon and will show me what actually I love and what is my purpose in the crowd.

P.S :1) ‘Que Sera Sera’ is a Spanish phrase which means  ’What to be to be’.
         2) ‘Que Sera Sera’ is a beautiful song sung by Doris Day.
         3) The first P.S was meant for Pre Script. Yes ,I know it is silly but then I had no other choice but do it.

There is happiness
There is pain
There is Love
There is ‘how’ and ‘when ?’

There is I
There is you
The lost is ‘We’
and so is the glee

Amid the shadows all around,
Will the fine sunny day touch the crown;
and ask – ‘Wanna come for an ice-cream, franky?

I smiled as I saw her mystic smile. Her love filled gaze accompanied by a soft grin made me stare her more. {Oh C’mon! Stop doubting my orientation. Its just the reason behind her expressions that hold my attention for a while. Thats it.:P } Her eyes dilated at different moments of the dance performance. Fingers of her hands were entwined together, her ‘lost-in-you’ expression made me feel the tinge of the charm for a while that she was sensing every second. I could read the every bit of the beauty of her love for him on her face, in her expressions.

Her expressions triggered my thoughts/beliefs about what you call – LOVE. Don’t know from where to start or where to end about it. I am simply pouring down whatever comes in my mind whenever I think about it/or feel it.

Love doesn’t set the boundaries to restrict your actions/freedom but yeah it itself is kind of beautiful trap charmed with a spell. The spell keeps you charged up for whole day and night, something that inspires you to grow and prosper, to be positive about life and yourself. It introduces to you with new horizons of aims and fun. Its the inspiration and a reason of celebrating little moments of day-to-day life.  It is not a burden of responsibility of a person in your life, instead it is the source of  inner ecstasy when you share, when you do something for the other. It is insanity for good, its innocent, it is wild, it is full of unexpected possibilities, it is exploring ourselves. It is most trustworthy Anti Aging drug. It is  attaching ourselves to the lyrics of our favourite track amid the chaos of the crowd.  It is ….ummm…chuck it!!! ^-^

Love is about living such little moments with a charm. I want to feel this charisma for like whole through out my life. May be this is just a fairy tale imagination that I fantazise  as a young lady . I don care about it being equivalent to miracle as it does happens and thats what is the significance of its existence. And magnetic sense/imagination of falling in love is what keeps me disinterested in its distorted forms  and  await for it to happen in the best possible (genuine) way (and that is what turns me romantic at times which leads to such write ups:P:P ).  For me its a drug strong enough to keep me intoxicated for whole through out my life. Apparently, I am not unaware with the fact that nothing is forever. So definitely relations may not be for forever but their essence can. I started just to describe her experession but got diverted and jumped on my ideologies about feelings.I can write endlessly over it – the dark and the bright sides of love, the eerie shade of it, the beautiful it and yet would fail to give the exact description about it. I stop my pen here.

P.S : 1) If you are in love, I wish I could see your expression while reading this.

2) If you are totally out of it, I am sorry for making you read something so cheesy.

3) *Bow* for  Anna Hazare

As I close my eyes
The shine of the world turns into black
The fake smiles are lost
My heart beats are left – all across.
Every season looks the same
Fame – name – the life game
Life is simpler when
lost in black

As I close my eyes
I see  the blackness
The color of your eye
I see your smile
The scent of your breathe
I can sense it from miles

As  I close my eyes
I see the past of  mine
The one with golden shine
I search for you
The wetness is all I find.

As I close my eyes
I see the hopeful gleam
The expectations they dream
I see their faith – to which I bound.
The care and love they wrap me around.
With that ‘responsibility’ of love
I scream in black.

As I close my eyes
The sight is black
Sounds whack.
Imaginations dissolve
Plans evolve.
Dreams meet desires
Black makes it a fire.

As I close my eyes
I wish I could just
sleep in your arms
without any alarms.
The bright dreams
is all I see when I see black.

As I close my eyes
I see a girl – full of surprise
As carefree as the clouds in the sky

With the wings of faith and hope, higher she fly

As youthful as the rays of the sunrise

speaking via the shine in her eyes

As mysterious as the universe wide

the stories and emotions she always hide.

As loud as the chirping birds

the silence at times takes her away from the herd

I searched for a picture to describe her right

the black is the perfect one to fit in all the colors so bright.

P.S : Dedicated to my teenage love  : [ ], this poem was written long back.

Pre-Script : Click the link below to understand the following ‘feel-o-suffer ‘s ‘ stuff…

http://surabhi007.wordpress.com/2011/01/21/lyrics-of-life-on-roadside/

Walking on an unknown street – Very less crowded in comparison to the streets of Delhi in a winter afternoon is indeed pleasurable.

The following is an excerpt of  what all was going in my 150 pounds complicated gift by GOD .  Its neither a poem nor a story : its a prose – A very simple prose written in one go without rereading and editing .

Fine day it was

You woke me up

And took me in your arms from my quilt

Kissed my forehead – in an usual way

I least bothered

N closed my eyes to complete my sleep in your embrace

Hours passed:

Mom dressed  me like a queen

Made my hair do beautifully

And gave my hands in yours .

Sure footed about the grip of your hands

My small steps marched with that of yours.

World’s best ride it use to be

You on your bike and

Me wrapping all my hands around your waist

Holding  tight

With your trustworthy wings

I let air caresse  my face  and fly

Reached the sad and tall building

Colourful crowd it was

Many like you and me were there

I was busy watching them

When you bent down

and took my chubby cheeks in your palms

You kissed my forhead – in an unusal way

And took a step back

I gazed

You said softly –

“its time for you stay out of home sweetheart .

See you in a while.”

The thought of getting away from him

Alone in the crowd –the unknown crowd

made my world tremble

I ran and clung on your legs

When you raised your eyebrows and

Looked into my eyes

My voice cracked “Take me Home Dad!”

You hugged me tight

Made my heavy heart a bit light

Bribed me with a chocolate

Promised me that the sepration

Is for a while

It was when my overfilled wet eyes

Were about to flood

When you wiped the tears

Even before they touched my cheeks

“You are my bold little princess, aint you?

“Oh yes! I am” – I chuckled.

“So go and win this first day without mum and me

Away from home for me” You asked with glowing eyes.

“I’ll” I hugged you tight

And bid you good bye with wet eyes adored with smile.

Years later

Here I stand

Far away from mum and you

Among kiths very few

As I close my eyes

I see the your encouraging smile

Your glowing hopeful eyes – there at miles.

My heart still cheers aloud

“Oh yes! I can do it .

I will this battle for you dad.”

Nothing in this chaotic world but just a feeling of  being your part  makes me feel uniquely proud.  Miss you.

Take me Home Dad!

P.S – 1) Song of the day –  Fifteen – Taylor Swift.

2) Over dose of emotions is turning me emotionless. Blaaaaaaah!

3) Some situations leaves you  to no where but to a state of being helpless. I guess such are the ones which are tagged as the ‘worst’ ones.  :|

4) Exams on head so I guess there will be less excursions.

Pre-Script : Click it to understand the following ‘feel-o-suffer’ stuff…

http://surabhi007.wordpress.com/2011/01/21/lyrics-of-life-on-roadside/

There is this street joining my  institute (where I m bounded  to spend five long years of my life – the ones which are the among the most crucial and best years of age) and my house over here away from home – the sophisticated girls hostel of IIT Delhi – ‘Kailash’.  Life here in Delhi is something which   has been the most adventurous experience in my lifetime till date. Walking on this street is the inevitable part of my schedule – be it a stroll in the morning breeze of dilli or be it a tiring   walk after night outs in institute in late night this silent street has been very clamant for me  – from cacophony to melodious cheers in my mind the voice of my steps on this street never left muted.   It was today while walking back to Kailash I realised how deeply I stay in my mind while crossing this street – Its been ages since I have noticed any salient feature of it – All I remember is my thoughts – thoughts about my life in college, about new lessons from   numerous success and failures, about home and every minute thing about them  gives you the electric sensations whenever you think about the distance between their care and your existence in this self fish vicinity. The distance at times make me realise about the strength of surviving over here without sharing any grave thing with the ones who  grew you up. They use to understand me very well when I use to cry as an infant but after handling me for almost 20 years it has become very tough for them to understand my feelings and state of mind when I talk to them on phone.   This mildly lighted street has hell lot of  darkness in my mind. The walk lasts for not more than 5 mins when walked on my normal pace -2 mins while running for classes – 10 to 15 mins when tired  mentally or physically . This few minutes summarizes my day and uncovers the hidden I from Myself.

They say I talk alot – I seek for silence  and my faithful  playlist while walking and introspecting/retrospecting.

They say I am an emotional fool – I believe respecting emotions are way different from blindly getting carried away with them. If you are insensitive that doesn’t mean that I have too many emotions to show.

They say your tears are fake or just some bloody show off – I say art of expression is gifted to even animals – humans excel in it too like many other things – I m proud to be myself. I don’t have to prove my genuineness and make it fake.

They say you can’t do it – I stay silent for my inner voice talks to me aloud.

They say you are screwing your life with all this stuff-  I reply  ‘I know. You are right. I am trying hard to come on track.’

They say  ‘We love you the way you are’ – I say ‘alas! I wish I could feel  that all the time.’

People love the cheerfulness and genuine smile on your face . The motivation of living so lively   makes you feel grateful for creator whenever your spread smile on the faces around you.  But comes a reason to turn your sunrise into a never ending night.

When each and every breathe becomes unbearable – when you wish to break free – free from all the obligations – free from all relations  – free from all emotions and then you do what is most unexpected from your own self.  When you wish to cry aloud , loud enough to tear you apart -  When you all of sudden realise the uselessness of all your actions and thoughts –when your mind reminds your crying heart about  the  hopeful eyes far away from this corner of your world  – the promises which were made long back and the affect of newer ones on many such pending ones- when your impulsive  madness challenge your sanity – when every emotion and feeling of your is considered as nothing but bullshit.  When you see yourself getting far away from your childhood dreams and ambitions which you made as a passionate teenager – when everything turns bleak and unclear – when you mock at your uncontrollable flow of illogical thoughts .

When after spending a  whole day in bed in a closed   room away from a cheerful and colourful crowd and doing nothing but thinking and feeling the pain in your body.  When you allow someone else to  call you an emotional fool but you laugh at him/her in your mind as  you trust yourself and your ideologies or you see him/her  with pity eyes wishing for him to understand you without asking any questions  - without asking anything.  Then you wish to stay aloof – your dead soul makes your lively body and mind to sleep in search of some peace in chaos. You urge very badly to yourself to get dissolved in books, music and thoughts.

When you run away even from the thought of being alone and find a space in public just to make things  worse. As crying is not always when you shed tears – the irony is that its worst form is when you Smile  when broken within.  When every silly song in your playlist becomes magical enough to shake you from within and makes you so much linked to the singer and his feelings. When love in your heart doesn’t get replaced by hatred but vacuum, you wish to be like everyone who is in your vicinity.

After hurting and punishing your own self you find yourself in a bleak state of mind .  When you wish to fill your  life with nothing but emptiness.  After carrying a heavy mind and broken heart you don’t when you feel that this turmoil is of no good but energy and time waste but find yourself  helpless : When your tears washes all the reasons and you forget everything but good memories turning into bad – you feel like running away – you challenge your strength and flee. The show off of your strength becomes your weakness.

“Sign karke jaaeye” A strict female voice fell in my ears.  I realised I have already entered the hostel  and the guard is asking me to sign in.

Enough for today’s walk .Tired enough to fall asleep the moment I fall down  on my bed –without thinking .

P.S : 1) Song of the day : Bubbly face – Colbie .

2) A negative write up to start with – I wrote it days back and then I got too busy with some or the other things . Was deleting some stuff from my mind and laptop today and read it. Didn’t share it earlier as it was very personal but now after reading it I liked it personally and found it worth sharing .  ;)

3) Oh yea! I think so much in just 10 mins walk .  :P If you didn’t like this write up or didn’t understand it I’d like to congratulate you and say ‘Lucky soul you are. I’d pray that you never face anything in life which may make you understand this.’  :)

4) Sympathy of any kind is not welcomed. Feedback on writing will be greeted whole heartedly.

Good Night – waiting for my morning to come.

All my mind and heart is then ruled by my steps – (Oh yes! my brain  is in my knees. I m thankful that I have some brain atleast ) . I walk and talk while attending the call from myself.

Whenever  ’I’ scream aloud to ‘Myself’

I take a new road

turns on a new playlist

and walk with myself -for myself .

So here I am with a new series of write ups – account of my excursions

Lets walk .

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 2,700 times in 2010. That’s about 6 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 13 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 15 posts. There were 29 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 4mb. That’s about 2 pictures per month.

The busiest day of the year was June 13th with 87 views. The most popular post that day was the noughts and crosses…2nd sem!!.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were facebook.com, orkut.co.in, snehilbasoya.wordpress.com, wwww.surabhi007.wordpress.com, and shots.snap.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for noughts and crosses, girl in rain, happy girl in rain, girl walking away in rain, and lonely girl in rain.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

the noughts and crosses…2nd sem!! June 2010
23 comments

ta-ta teenage July 2010
5 comments

POLTU ,PYAAR AUR WOH!!! March 2010
14 comments

DO BEFORE YOU DIE !!!!! January 2010
21 comments

i wish….. April 2010
18 comments